Category: Health & Wellbeing


So Another really shitty year has been and gone. Not as shit as 2013 but still pretty awful, I had some good times too though like usual they were short lived and overshadowed by the negatives. Here I am hoping that I will have a better year this year. Having come out to my family at long last I have lifted that great weight off my shoulders, though I do wonder if I made the right choice. At the end of the day, fuck it, I have a right to be happy and if that means my parents don’t like who I am then tough,  I have had enough of hiding.

The obligatory resolutions

1. Loose weight, if I don’t I’ll be dead by the time I’m 40.

2. Get further down the road to full transition.

3. Sign up with a GP that will take me seriously

4. Don’t neglect my spiritual/religious side.

5. Make time for me, I’ve moved back home and trying to make any time for myself is near impossible, but if I don’t I might just breakdown from all the stress I have to deal with from my family.

Lets see how many of these I can keep this year.

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Why?

Not much a title but it pretty much sums up my post, a series of questions beginning why to which there is not answer, at least no satisfactory answer.

Why is it that only a month after coming out to my parents and them promising to support me in my choices that things have gone exactly back to how they were. No use of my identified name or male pronouns, being called a daughter instead of a son. It’s like nothing happened, that this huge step in my life is non existent. It took me a very long time to muster up the courage to come out to them and nothing has changed, the fact things have gone back to how things were makes it hurt all the more. They said they wanted me to be happy so why are they causing me more pain? I try to talk to them about it but they don’t want to know, they have no time for me. Am I really that much of a disgrace or embarrassment?

Why is it that people like me, trans* people have to fight tooth and nail to have a normal life, the normal life that everyone else takes for granted. Four doctors now and not one of them is taking me seriously. I’ve been packing and binding for two years, wearing male others longer than that, what else do I have to do to make the doctors take me seriously. Why do I have to fight to have a ‘normal’ life. I am so tired of fighting but I can’t give up. I have a right to be happy, and I can’t be happy when my mind and body are so mismatched. Why can’t a doctor take me seriously for once in my damned life, it’s got to the point where I would rather die than live out the rest of my days as female. So again I ask, Why?

So last Saturday I finally came out to my parents. I will be honest I was expecting them to rant and rave and disown me. To my surprise they are being really supportive and shit, a huge weight has benefited from my shoulders. I feel so much better about myself now that I can be  myself and no longer live a double life. I don’t have to hide any more and that is certainly a liberating experience. Once I had the conversation with the parents I decided to change my name on the social media sites I use and come out there too. I have had nothing but overwhelming support from my friends and I am so glad they are all there for me, it’s great to know that while this is a very personal journey I have people who will support me on my way.

The next stage now will be to legally change my name and find a doctor who will take my seriously. Along with that I need to make sure I look after my other half too, my transition is just as big a journey for him as it is for me as he will have to take a long hard look at us both and how people see him. It’s not going to be easy for him, I just hope I don’t loose him. I love him to bits and would be lost without him.

Okay so let’s see how bad I’m doing.

1. I think I am still looking weight, I don’t know where my scales are as since I moved back in with my parents in February I am still living out of cardboard boxes. Oh I finally joined a gym…..

2. I had quit cigars completely but stress has me smoking again.

3. Still barely drinking, doing really well here.

4. Still at a grinding halt with the NHS with regards to the medical side of things, but names have been changed on some of my work paperwork. Deed Poll next but I need to sit down and talk to my parents. I am not looking forward to it.

5. Nope, still failing with my spiritual side, living out of boxes is not conducive to being in the right frame of mind to do anything spiritual. I am hoping to sort this out.

6. Still not allowed time to myself, I need me time or I am going to crack.

Right it’s now April let’s see how I’m getting on…

1. Still losing weight, not sure how much as my scales are in a box in the parents’ garage. I’ve lost some inches from around my waist, I can tell this from the fact I need a belt to keep my kilt in place now. My sister is also dragging my down to her gym to sign up next week. This should be interesting as I normally hate gyms because I am so self conscious.

2. Smoking cigars again…. Not good. I’ve been so stressed out that I caved and started again. Now to reduce the number all over again.

3. Still doing well on this one, even though I now have more money I barely drink.

4. Still at a dead end, just don’t have the courage to face up to a different GP and run through the gauntlet of questions again. Still no referral and I’m starting to thing they don’t give a shit about me. Might be time to move GP practice. It’s getting to the point where emotionally I think I would rather die than live without transitioning. It’s getting harder and harder to hide my true self behind the mask my mother wants to see. Hiding is slowly but surely killing me inside.

5. Still failing miserably, it’s starting to look like I might be going back to meditating and doing workings in the bath tub. No room for an altar not that I would dare set it up in my parents house.

6. I have no time to myself now. Try as I might I put time aside for me to be me I can’t have me time because everyone else demands my time. At least I am not wasting it web trawling.

Let’s see how things change in a month’s time.

More specifically I wonder why I even bother with this that and the other. Since moving back in with my parents it would seem that no matter what I do I can’t do anything right any more, not even make a damned cup of tea properly. Would also seem that every Sunday has been ear marked as the day of the week my mother goes out of her way to ridicule me, make my life a misery and remind me that I’m nothing more than a piece of crap on her shoe.

She begs and begs for me to move back home promises that life would be better for me and yet here I am so close to relapsing into cutting myself to shreds again. Something I was sure I had left dead and buried in my past over a decade ago. So shit why did I let myself believe that living at home would be better? Perhaps I’m too much of a sap and clung too tightly to the hope it would be true, that for once I would be treated with respect and not looked down on. I wanted to come home and help look after my dad, instead it would seem that my sole purpose is to be the person who takes the blame for bad stuff happening, even when I am not the one to blame.

Shit would my mother care if I actually cut again and bled out, sure as hell doesn’t feel like she would. She never cared first time around, not even when my form teacher pointed out the goddamned cuts and scars all over my wrists. I am starting to wonder if my little corner of the world would be better off without me and if it would even notice if I was gone. Yes my friends and partner would notice, but how long before I’m forgotten?

Here ends today’s angry rant.

On the 9th of February this year my life changed again and I still don’t know if the change is for better or for worse. With a heavy heart I had to watch my partner of nearly eight years catch a coach and leave me behind. We had to give up our flat, our home of four years, because we couldn’t afford to live there any more. My partner was fired, fired for being autistic and for having a contracted minimum hours, all other staff at his place were zero hour staff. What makes it worse, we can’t prove it and the company concerned would not pay for a formal assessment or his autism or wait for the NHS to sort it out. He had been working for his company for close on six years, his autism was never a problem and he had a list of customers that would only come to him for help and advice because he knows the products he sold inside out and back to front so to speak. Well it’s the company’s loss.

So I watched him leave and I haven’t been the same since. He’s moved back in this his parents for the time being and I’m back with mine. I can’t sleep at night I miss the feel of my partner against me and I can’t get used to a single bed. What’s worse is I am back in that tiny box bedroom where I’ve tried to end my life in the past. Many years have passed since then but the memories are still raw and painful, I’ve become very numb on the inside. Most of the time I am so numb but swing to extremes of anger and frustration to depression and dark thoughts of self harming again. I’m supposed to be made of stronger stuff than this, but I just feel so trapped with nowhere to go. Yes, I am here to help look after my father too. He has prostate cancer you see. I just can’t be strong all the time. I put on a brave face and pretend to be the daughter my parents want me to be, all the while the man behind the mask is crying out, begging to be recognised and acknowledged. See, I’m not out to my parents as trans and hiding myself away again after being free for so long is killing me on the inside.

I’m rambling now anyway, goes to show how much of a mess I am right now. I wish I could see the light at the end of this particular tunnel, I could really do with something to keep my spirits up. Yes I know I will be reunited with my partner in time but the wait is taking it’s toll. I’m lost without him, so very very lost.

Right so how am I getting on with the resolutions.

1. I’ve managed to loose a good five kilos, go me.

2. I’ve not picked up a cigar since New Years, that has to be a plus.

3. Been too broke to drink so this one is going well too.

4. Ah yes, hit a stumbling block with this one, the GP I was talking to about transition doesn’t work at my GP practice any more. She moved to Ealing Hospital, now to try and summon up the courage to talk to another doctor.

5. Failed…. still neglecting my religious and spiritual side at the moment. I am going to turn this around.

6. Actually I am doing rather well, maybe because I’ve been packing in preparation to move house.

 

I’m doing better at keeping resolutions this year than I did last year, lets see if I can keep this up.

The first of January rolls around again, and I am quite happy to say that I am glad to see the back of 2013, it was a bad year for me. A really bad year.

Here’s a summary of the bad points.

Sexual assault, sexual harassment, failed examinations, doped up on meds as a result of prior trauma in my life rearing it’s ugly head, stuck in a relationship I can’t get out of, being in love with someone I know I can never be with, failing my exams, my partner loosing his job and me picking up the slack. All my savings being used to pay my other half’s short fall on bills. Transition has been delayed again, lymphodemia is getting worse, developed lipodemia as well. I started smoking due to all the stress, I have no privacy left any more, no personal space. Utterly neglected my spiritual side, don’t socialize with friends any more due to an overly possessive partner. My partner still treats me as a female not as the man I am supposed to me. Still refuses to address me by my chosen name or use male pronouns, way to exacerbate the self hatred the dysphoria already causes. Finally, my dad has been diagnosed with prostate cancer. I think the latter is the worst as I look up to my dad, he’s my go to for all my problems near enough. He has weathered so many things and was a prime example of a stalwart cockney, and now that image has been shattered because of a stupid disease that’s leaving him as a shell of the man he used to be.

So what are the pluses?

I came out to some of my friends this year, one of my oldest and dearest friends told me ‘It’s about bloody time!’ so you can’t imagine how good that made me feel. Some of my other friends have started referring to me by my chosen name, again that’s something that does so much for one’s self confidence and sense of self worth. The ball has started rolling for full transition but as with all things NHS it’s going to take time, however it’s started. These are only small things but it’s these little things that build up to bigger things in the long run. The arsehole that assaulted me at work got fired, my old boss is now my boss again. He came back to be our manager once more, and hell work is so much more enjoyable with him at the helm. It’s almost like the good old days are back, we’re just missing a few people but work is a fun place to be again, not a place that fills me with dread when I wake up in the mornings. I hope that this coming year will be filled with more ups than downs.

The obligatory resolutions

1. Loose weight, if I don’t I’ll be dead by the time I’m 40.

2. Smoke less cigars – I’ll never be able to completely quit but I can decrease the number I smoke.

2. Drink less – yea an entire bottle of mead/wine in a night is not good for you.

4. Get further down the road to full transition.

5. Don’t neglect my spiritual/religous side.

6. Make time of me, no more spending hours trawling the web for lack of anything else to do.

Lets see how many of these I can keep this year.

Where Have I Been?

For those of you who follow me you might have noticed that I’ve not actually written anything here in a very long time, and trust me there is good reason for that. I have had a pretty shitty year to put it bluntly many things happened and I’ve been dealing with the fallout/side affects what ever you want to call them.

It all started going pear shaped for me back in March of this year. My former manager (yes they finally sacked the bastard) groped me. Now most people would get pissed off, file a complaint and carry on. Not the case with me unfortunately. See when I was 15 I was almost raped by my then boyfriend, never reported it, too ashamed to tell anyone, didn’t think anyone would believe me so I kept the trauma bottled up and pushed to the back of my mind. The incident at work triggered the suppressed memories and took my mind back to the sate of the frightened 15 year old I was back then. Naturally I reported the incident, but the arsehole denied everything, even though it was caught on the shop’s CCTV. An investigation was done and because the CCTV was not clear enough he was allowed back to work, mediation failed and the bastard continued to harass me. Now I love my job and I’ve been there a good five years or so now, this bastard made me despise my job, it would be a challenge to force myself into work every day. I live a five minute walk from my place of work, it would take me an hour to force myself to walk from my front door to work. When I came home at night I would be a nervous and emotional wreck . It got to the point where I tried to self harm again, thankfully I was sent to a counselor and was helped out a great deal. My partner being the loving and caring chap he is used to pop into work to keep an eye on me when he wasn’t working, just to make sure I was okay while at work. The ex manager decided to try and ban him from the store…didn’t work though thankfully. More mediation meetings happened ground rules were laid down by the area manager but my manager refused to follow them, the last straw was him not paying the entire staff properly. He was sacked in October, so it only took them six months thereabouts to get rid of the bastard. It’s a burden off my back and work is far more pleasant again. So if anyone does read this, if you come across a man who goes by the name of Steve Digby and hails from Harefield, avoid the bastard.

I am on the mend and getting over the situation, hopefully you will see me writing more in the future.