I haven’t written anything for over two months now and believe me I have tried but in recent times things have gotten so much that I can’t express myself. I can’t get things off my chest and easy my own troubles by sharing them with whichever anonymous readers wish to read my posts. Everything has been bottled up inside because I have had no choice, I have had to keep my problems to myself. Life has been a real struggle as of late. My Boss and good friend got fired and I haven’t been able to speak to him since then. The one guy at work that was keeping me grounded has gone, whereas being at work is certainly preferable to the toxic environment of the family house, I say house because it isn’t a home to me anymore. Being at work with no one to ground me or to turn to and confide in or calm me down when someone sets of one of my triggers is leaving me living in a perpetually stressful state. When I am stressed I can’t write, I can’t draw, I can’t sing, I am trapped and have no way out. There are so many days that pass and I wish, and I pray that I can just be a normal person. Don’t get me wrong I am glad that I discovered myself and who I am, but not a day goes by when I don’t wish I was born with body and soul matching. There isn’t more than a week that passes by without contemplating suicide. I hate having to fight so hard for what other’s take for granted. I am tired of fighting and I don’t know how much fight I have left in me. I wish I could wave a magic wand and be the man I am supposed to be, unfortunately this is the real world and not one of the many games I play to try and escape reality. As it is I have been waiting for over a year for a referral to the Gender Clinic, I found out recently that I was sent the paperwork to fill in, but they were sent to my old address where the bitch house mate didn’t forward my mail but instead destroyed it. I could already be halfway to HRT and surgery by now but I’m not. I turn thirty this year, how depressing is that? The older you get the harder the transition, I would sooner take my own life than spend the rest of it living as something I am not. Well I guess we shall see what happens. If no more blog entries appear here or the domain vanishes, you know what’s happened. I just hope I have the strength to carry on.