On the 9th of February this year my life changed again and I still don’t know if the change is for better or for worse. With a heavy heart I had to watch my partner of nearly eight years catch a coach and leave me behind. We had to give up our flat, our home of four years, because we couldn’t afford to live there any more. My partner was fired, fired for being autistic and for having a contracted minimum hours, all other staff at his place were zero hour staff. What makes it worse, we can’t prove it and the company concerned would not pay for a formal assessment or his autism or wait for the NHS to sort it out. He had been working for his company for close on six years, his autism was never a problem and he had a list of customers that would only come to him for help and advice because he knows the products he sold inside out and back to front so to speak. Well it’s the company’s loss.

So I watched him leave and I haven’t been the same since. He’s moved back in this his parents for the time being and I’m back with mine. I can’t sleep at night I miss the feel of my partner against me and I can’t get used to a single bed. What’s worse is I am back in that tiny box bedroom where I’ve tried to end my life in the past. Many years have passed since then but the memories are still raw and painful, I’ve become very numb on the inside. Most of the time I am so numb but swing to extremes of anger and frustration to depression and dark thoughts of self harming again. I’m supposed to be made of stronger stuff than this, but I just feel so trapped with nowhere to go. Yes, I am here to help look after my father too. He has prostate cancer you see. I just can’t be strong all the time. I put on a brave face and pretend to be the daughter my parents want me to be, all the while the man behind the mask is crying out, begging to be recognised and acknowledged. See, I’m not out to my parents as trans and hiding myself away again after being free for so long is killing me on the inside.

I’m rambling now anyway, goes to show how much of a mess I am right now. I wish I could see the light at the end of this particular tunnel, I could really do with something to keep my spirits up. Yes I know I will be reunited with my partner in time but the wait is taking it’s toll. I’m lost without him, so very very lost.

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