Not so much  a rant post this time around like so many of my previous posts but more one filled with questions I want answers to, but at the end of the day I’m the one who needs to find the answers for myself and figure out what my self is trying to tell me.

Well here’s the basic crux of my situation, I’ve been talking to a really wonderful man and we’ve been getting close. Hell it’s like I’m falling in love with the guy. I look forward to talking to him and you know that butterfly feeling you get when you fall for someone. I get that just thinking about him, he’s in my dreams constantly, day dreams included and it’s like I’m addicted to him, in the same way I’m hopelessly addicted to coffee… well maybe my coffee addiction is slightly worse as it’s been around for longer but you get the idea.

He lives on the other side of the channel, on the European mainland while I live in this rainy and/or foggy island. The chances of meeting him are slim to none, and above all I’ve been with my fiance for six or so years now. I thought I was in happy and stable relationship and now I’m questioning everything. My fiance doesn’t like the idea that I am a transgender person, and he thinks it’s all in my head. This guy that I’ve fallen for, on the other hand, accepts me for who and what I am without question, he doesn’t try to change me. Damn it why is my heart so fickle?

I keep imagining sleeping with this guy, though that may be in part to my sex life being almost non existent beyond the use of sex toys. Is that really what I want in a relationship with someone? Resorting to the use of toys and other methods to get any form of sexual gratification? This guy on the other hand, well without getting graphic and turning this post somewhere close to erotica, just talking to him makes me… well yea you can imagine the rest.

I feel like I’m being torn in half, I want to be with this young man. Though I don’t know if it’s love or lust. I also want to keep my fiance, even though I’m not always happy with our relationship and I want to make the transition so my physical form more closely matches the gender I identify with. I want to be the man I identify as, not the female I was born as.

Again I ask, why is my heart so fickle? The answer is, I still don’t know and I don’t want to hurt my feelings or the ones of those around me trying to find out.