So it’s that time of year again, red roses in every flower shop, overly priced ones that don’t even smell like a rose at that. Enough fluffy toys holding hearts to make you sick and way too many chocolates. February 14th, St Valentine’s Day and how I hate it. The dewy eyed lovesick couples  wandering hand in hand and snogging in public at every turn makes me sick. If you love your partner that much then why do you need one special day to show them all that affection? You don’t, if you love them as much as you claim you don’t need an arbitrary date on calender to tell you to shower them in commercial crap. Know what sickens me more? That card retailers are trying to make Valentines Day for all the family. Why so greedy? Hell why all the fuss about it in the first place, it’s a fake freaking festival to begin with, well the Valentines day we know today is anyway. Designed to break up the sales dead zone between Christmas and Easter and generate more income.

I tried to think well of Valentines Day in years gone by I really did, but it’s become one of those times of year that I loathe. Early days, I was always single on Valentines Day, every time for a number of years and it irritated me when people took the piss out of me for it, that and the accusations of being a lesbian. Yes I’m bisexual and I’ve known that for a while but I didn’t know back then when it happened. I had  no idea who or what I was in those days other than I wasn’t like the other girls and that’s not the best state of mind to be in an all girls boarding school. That is in the past and that is where it’s staying, thankfully.

Doesn’t help that my grandmother died on Valentines Day, I watched her breathe her last breath and loose her battle with cancer. It’s not a nice memory to have for a day that’s supposedly about love and happiness and other stuff. I have memories of death, I wasn’t fond of my grandmother but even now, more than ten years later I miss the batty old woman. I hated her strict catholic ways and I hated going to see her in the summer holidays because I was never ever allowed to go and play with the other children in the street but I do miss her because despite all of her strict rules and ways she used to spoil my sister and me absolutely rotten.

Even when I was with someone at Valentines Day I still hated it, more often than not because I would try and do something and get nothing back and it felt like my presence and getting a gift was being taken for granted. I remember with one partner I spent a lot of money on them, what I got in return was a packet of out of date chocolates and getting dumped a few hours later, that sucked and hurt. I never seemed to get any luck, even now I don’t have much luck but then again I’ve grown used to not and everyone I work with knows just how much I despise the time of year. Part of me does hope that maybe one year something will be  a little different but I’m not holding my hopes up I’m probably going to be the Valentines Day equivalent of Scrooge for the rest of my days.

Another reason for me to hate Valentines Day.  It serves as a constant reminder of my situation and it intensifies my self hatred. I have been told and I have read on a few occasions that a person can’t truly love another person until they have learned to love themselves, and I’m inclined to agree because I am not happy with the way I am. I positively loath the female form I have and that does have a negative influence on the relationship I am in and those I have been in. I guess part of the reason for hating Valentines Day so much is possibly down the the jealously factor. I’m jealous of those who are happy with themselves and their situations and as a result they probably have a better relationship with their partners than I have with mine.

It’s not all been doom and gloom though, I have had a few presents  over the years. I think the best presents I’ve ever been given was, rather ironically a rose, though this one was blue in colour. The other was again a rose but this rose was a leather rose, little things like that really appeal to the kinky side of my nature. I still have the original leather rose I was given, there are now another two keeping it company.